If a guy likes a girl, and she sees him as a “good friend”, then he is better off moving on. He may even have to lose her as a friend.
Some of these statements/theories are based on ladder theory, but most stem from personal experience and logic. I wrote this from the perspective of a guy, talking to guys, about girls. I believe this also applies to opposite, but to a lesser extent. If you are looking at it from this perspective, just swap the gender of those involved.
For the purposes of this discussion, I will use the following terms:
- Friendsomeone with whom one has a relationship without any desire for it to turn into a dating relationship.
- Prospectsomeone with whom one may or may not have a relationship, but has the desire to turn into a dating relationship, either immediately or a some point in the future. This is not referring to fleeting feelings, but rather a real desire.
- DisparityTwo people with differing views of the other. For example, one sees the other as a friend, but the second sees the first as a prospect.
Nothing is more frustrating that disparity. Others may call this “unrequited love” but I reserve the word love for much more than others, so I use disparity because it is more general. This is an area in which I have a lot of experience. I would say that nearly all, if not all, of the girls I have seen as a prospect, have simply seen me as a friend. This makes friendships with them rather difficult as I have more feelings for them than they will ever have with me.
Risking the Friendship
So, what happens if a guy tries to ask out a girl who sees him as a friend?
- “You are a good friend but…”
- “I don’t want to risk losing you as a friend”
I am sure that when asking a girl out, most guys have heard these at least once in his life. These lines, of course, comes in many variants, but the meaning is the same. The girl sees you as a friend. It is important to note that some girls may use these lines to mask their true reasons, but that situation is beyond the scope of this document. There can be many reasons why she sees you as a friend and not a prospect, but I am going to focus here on the situation where she is worried about risking the friendship.
When a guy is in this situation, he really only has four possible choices:
- Stay friends with her hoping she will “come around”
- Try to keep her as a friend without pursuing anything more
- Find someone whom he would like to date more than her, and succeed in doing so
- Lose her as a friend
Some guys will try to keep the friendship with the disparity hoping she will will change her mind and want to date him. Unfortunately, Ladder Theory tells us that the second will never come. If this is your intent, I content that you are wasting your time. I do believe there are some cases where a girl does change her mind and date the guy, but such cases are rare.
If a guy tries to keep a girl as a friend, he is looking at a very difficult situation. It can only work in the situation where you meet someone whom you would rather date over of her, and are able to do so. Otherwise, spending time with this girl will not serve to lessing your feelings and your vision of her as a prospect, but instead strengthen them.
The best option a guy can take is to find someone else, especially someone he wants more than her. This way, he can remain friends with her, and his feelings for her can die. While this situation is ideal, it may not always be possible.
Lastly, the thing that most do not want to hear. A guy may have to lose the girl as a friend entirely. If he fails to find someone else, then the only way for his feelings for her to die is through separation. This may even be permanent.
I know that many things said here are hard to hear. If they were not, then this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. A friend of mine once gave me similar advice, and I didn’t entirely believe him. I thought that I could work through the situation where I remain friends with her without pursuing her. I was wrong. I hope that this document helps others to not make the same mistakes.