Female Friends Who Won’t Date You
Feb 6th, 2006 by Graham Booker
If a guy likes a girl, and she sees him as a “good friend”, then he is better off moving on. He may even have to lose her as a friend.
Introduction
Some of these statements/theories are based on ladder theory, but most stem from personal experience and logic. I wrote this from the perspective of a guy, talking to guys, about girls. I believe this also applies to opposite, but to a lesser extent. If you are looking at it from this perspective, just swap the gender of those involved.
Terms
For the purposes of this discussion, I will use the following terms:
- Friendsomeone with whom one has a relationship without any desire for it to turn into a dating relationship.
- Prospectsomeone with whom one may or may not have a relationship, but has the desire to turn into a dating relationship, either immediately or a some point in the future. This is not referring to fleeting feelings, but rather a real desire.
- DisparityTwo people with differing views of the other. For example, one sees the other as a friend, but the second sees the first as a prospect.
Disparity
Nothing is more frustrating that disparity. Others may call this “unrequited love” but I reserve the word love for much more than others, so I use disparity because it is more general. This is an area in which I have a lot of experience. I would say that nearly all, if not all, of the girls I have seen as a prospect, have simply seen me as a friend. This makes friendships with them rather difficult as I have more feelings for them than they will ever have with me.
Risking the Friendship
So, what happens if a guy tries to ask out a girl who sees him as a friend?
- “You are a good friend but…”
- “I don’t want to risk losing you as a friend”
I am sure that when asking a girl out, most guys have heard these at least once in his life. These lines, of course, comes in many variants, but the meaning is the same. The girl sees you as a friend. It is important to note that some girls may use these lines to mask their true reasons, but that situation is beyond the scope of this document. There can be many reasons why she sees you as a friend and not a prospect, but I am going to focus here on the situation where she is worried about risking the friendship.
When a guy is in this situation, he really only has four possible choices:
- Stay friends with her hoping she will “come around”
- Try to keep her as a friend without pursuing anything more
- Find someone whom he would like to date more than her, and succeed in doing so
- Lose her as a friend
Some guys will try to keep the friendship with the disparity hoping she will will change her mind and want to date him. Unfortunately, Ladder Theory tells us that the second will never come. If this is your intent, I content that you are wasting your time. I do believe there are some cases where a girl does change her mind and date the guy, but such cases are rare.
If a guy tries to keep a girl as a friend, he is looking at a very difficult situation. It can only work in the situation where you meet someone whom you would rather date over of her, and are able to do so. Otherwise, spending time with this girl will not serve to lessing your feelings and your vision of her as a prospect, but instead strengthen them.
The best option a guy can take is to find someone else, especially someone he wants more than her. This way, he can remain friends with her, and his feelings for her can die. While this situation is ideal, it may not always be possible.
Lastly, the thing that most do not want to hear. A guy may have to lose the girl as a friend entirely. If he fails to find someone else, then the only way for his feelings for her to die is through separation. This may even be permanent.
Conclusion
I know that many things said here are hard to hear. If they were not, then this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. A friend of mine once gave me similar advice, and I didn’t entirely believe him. I thought that I could work through the situation where I remain friends with her without pursuing her. I was wrong. I hope that this document helps others to not make the same mistakes.
I do believe there are some cases where a girl does change her mind and date the guy, but such cases are rare.
it is rare because the guy never changes, hence he never becomes more attractive. attraction is not a choice. change yourself to change others reaction to you. if he grew rich and suddently mr social status and told her he didnt like her and talked to 10 other girls, she might change her attitude fast
Mr. Fixit is right. Affection is not Attraction. His comment also sounds (reads?) like he’s read (heard of?) David DeAngelo. Unless Mr. Fixit actually IS David D., posing as ‘a mild-mannered reporter’ for the Singleville Times. I wonder…
(There’s a movie, ‘The Myth of the Male Orgasm’ that addresses this exact point. Watch it while drinking, and you might end up cheering & booing at the screen as if it were a hockey match.)
Wouldn’t it be great if we could choose who we were attracted to? Then at least we’d know how it works & why.
Go Aeros!
I am in something similar. She says we are close friends, if i leave her alone 4 a couple days she contacts me, she will even go out for walks and coffee. AND IF I ASK TO TAKE HER OUT TO EAT SHE GOES. Does this sound like what u described above
Brad,
That may be what I am describing. The real question is does she consider it a date. If she does, then you are dating her and it is not what I am talking about. The asking to “take her out to eat” sounds more like a date to me though.
So this is my situation. Am friends with this girl with whom i never thought i would feel anything for. It seems she enjoys my company a lot and i like being around her too. shes been having some problems with her boyfriend and she’s told me everything about it. Now i feel myself getting attracted to her. She is 2 years older and she constantly refers to me as her “brother”. But we are so close. I just wonder if i should go ahead and tell her how i feel about her or i should spend some time away from her and then change my status (hopefully she’ll see me differently) and this will make her fall in love with me.
i met this girl and knew at once i really liked her. she just seems perfect for me. but she just sees me as a friend. i fall in the disparity category because i dont want to lose her as a friend because every once in a while ill get a clue that one day she may like me. it just kills me that she doesn’t see me like i see her now. i dont know what to do!!!
please help me
Speaking from a bit of experience:
Never assume a girl is not attracted to you, until she has told you outright! Even if she tells you “this is not a date.” I hope this helps everyone.
Yo Max, nice name. Let me tell you a story. Once when I was a little boy, about 17, I was total friends with this cute blonde girl who had a boyfriend. I often had the urge to distance myself from her because I saw my attraction for her as “futile” since she had a boyfriend. But, I simply could not resist going on dates with her because she was that awesome. In the end we did some romantic sexy things to each other in a bed. Due to logistics we could not stay together. It led to a lot of emotional pain for me and I wrote many awesome songs. These songs did not win her over, but they help me get other, more awesome girls.
The moral of the story is, uh… music is awesome 🙂
The truth of the matter is what most guys do is keep (or try to keep) the friendship with the woman they adore and then choose what they would consider a ‘lesser’ partner for sex.
And continue to look for someone they desire more.
hello, i am in a very confusing situation. Let me start by saying i knew her from when she was 17 and i was 21. She was dating an ex friend of mine who abused her and cheated on her while she was pregnant with his child. She moved away for a couple years and recently moved back and we became friends again, started small on facebook. She knows i like her a lot, but she also knows i do not try to kiss her and rush things because i am sincere for her, that i can wait for the perfect time. Her now 4 yr old son loves me and the other night he hugged me, called me daddy, and kissed my forehead in front of her and she did not correct him. I really want to date her but she always introduces me as a friend to all her friends. She comes over every day, brings her kid most times, we have slept in the same bed but i never tried anything. I am shy around her and want to tell her that being around her and her son makes me the happiest i have ever been in life. I just have been nervous because i do not know how to tell her after her son said that, i was honored he considered me a dad, i love him like he was my own and love teaching him and playing while she is busy or out for a couple minutes.
😀 scratch that, she has accepted my heart, i told her how i felt in a poem and how happy she and her son make me. I am a lucky man